LETTER (written by Sammy Merhaut)

To whom it may concern:

Hello! I am very pleased to have the opportunity to write to you today. I must admit the circumstances are rather strange. I do not know you. At this point in time you are but an exciting (albeit frightening) concept to me. I haven’t the slightest idea of your appearance (although I’m sure it’s beautiful), I cannot imagine the cadence and unique modulation of your voice (although I am sure it is [mostly] music to my ears), I cannot fathom what your hobbies may be or even where your interests lie (although I am sure we share at least a handful of mutual interests as painful as that will be for you to admit). Is it not peculiar that I do not even know your name yet I am addressing you so intimately? It is surely peculiar to me! However, by the time you read this we should know each other very well! At least that is my hope. Believing that offers a great deal of solace to me. By writing this I suppose that I am hoping to establish a degree of transparency that is difficult for me to grasp with almost anyone on a daily basis, but a degree of transparency that I hope the two of us can nourish and maintain throughout the entirety of our lifelong relationship (oh yes, you are to be stuck with me for THAT long). I have never spoken so freely with someone I do not know, in fact I hardly speak freely with anyone at all! But I am aiming to be as honest with you as I can be, and I am trying with all of the strength in my feeble fingers to write something that will help you, something that will soothe you, something that will challenge you. I am trying to write something that will guide you, and if I write the correct words in the correct order, something that I hope you will cherish. I apologize for doubting myself in the spaces between every word I have written thus far, you will come to learn that I make a sort of habit out of that. Allow me to be forthright in order to get to the important parts: I simply want to talk to you. I simply want to introduce myself, to offer a few words to you and to say whatever crosses my frantic and nervous mind that I deem appropriate for this. I want you to know that I think about you daily and I pray for your wellbeing. Again, I apologize for my ceaseless rambling, I find transitions rather difficult. Without further ado, allow me to begin.

My name is Samuel Arthur Merhaut. I am your father, and for that and a few other things, I am the luckiest man on Earth. I am 6’2 or 6’3 depending on the day, and at one point I loved to sling you across my shoulders and carry you around like a giggling sack of rice. I know this because I love doing it already and you don’t even exist! I have long blonde hair that looks dirty and unkempt no matter how much I wash or brush it. I am sure one day you will look back on pictures from this time period and laugh at me. I do not mind, I will laugh with you! I am currently 21 years old and trying to enjoy the remainder of my declining youth while simultaneously attempting to tame the wild dogs of adulthood. I love music of all kinds and I cannot wait to show you some of my favorite songs and bands, often to your mother’s dismay. I love movies and I cannot wait to selfishly show you all of my favorites, often to your mother’s dismay. I love the outdoors and I cannot wait to explore them with you and to answer all infinity questions you have about them as accurately as I can. I love sports, namely football and hockey, but perhaps I will have acquired a taste for basketball by the time you come around. I love all things strange and obscure, I love art, and I love learning. I love people and to help them, but I often find myself disappointed by them. I fidget constantly. My thought processes are often jumbled and incoherent, but I like them that way because they are more interesting (at least to me) to me. The only person who understands my sense of humor is myself, and once again, I like it that way. I am a strange, awkward, and flawed man. I don’t know what I did to deserve the life I live; but it is a strange, awkward, flawed, and wonderful life. I like it that way.

Moving onto my favorite part: I am married to the most magnificent woman in the world. I cannot wait until you meet her, she is beautiful in a way that no literary device in the history or future of mankind will ever accurately capture. There is simply no metaphor for how I see her. She is my absolute favorite part of being alive. I knew from the moment I met her that I needed her in my life to the fullest capacity; she has not left my mind since I first rested my eyes upon her face. She must have horrible judgement for choosing to spend her life with a man like myself. She could have married anyone, and I mean ANYONE (think of the archetypical “perfect” man), but she chose me. I almost pity her, but who am I to question a miracle? I will never discuss the person I could be without her with you because I am afraid to discuss that person even with myself. She is the best part about me and I am sure you will agree. You are going to absolutely love her. She is kind, she is funny, she is unpredictable, and she is smart. Sometimes she uses words in the wrong context or even invents her own words to use. If you try to correct her she is so stubborn that she will argue with you until you are sure that she used it correctly or that it IS, in fact, a word. You will look it up later and find that you were right the whole time. Remind me to tell you some stories, they are hilarious. But I digress! She is full of passion for all the right subjects, she is insightful, and she is often annoying! She talks so much that I may be deaf by the time we meet but rest assured that I will spend my last dime on the best hearing aid on the market in order to listen to her some more. She is creative, she cares to a fault, she is relentless, and she will fight tooth and nail for you when you need her or when she thinks you need her. She is more than I could have ever asked for and far more than I ever deserved in a wife, but I will fight tooth and nail for her until the day I die.

Enough about us, I am certain that you know most of the things I have discussed thus far. I am not sure why I felt the need to say them. Perhaps as a formality? I have never addressed someone I do not know, but then again I am repeating myself. Bear with me!

I once met with someone I had not seen in a long time, someone who I care for very deeply and someone who cares very deeply for me. I was incredibly nervous and not sure what I would say. When this person finally arrived, they said to me: “I had so many things to talk to you about, but as soon as I saw you I forgot them all.” I suppose I am telling you this because I am finding myself in a similar circumstance. In theory, I should have so many things to say. I should have words of fatherly advice, I should have words of encouragement. I should have something funny or valuable or a stern warning or all of the above. But the reality is that I do not. Whether I be overwhelmed by the gravity of having a child to raise and mold into the best version of themselves or overwhelmed by self-doubt and shame, I am all but mute. Furthermore, who am I to offer advice to someone I do not know? I do not know what advice you need! I do not know what you are enduring, I do not know what keeps you awake until the sun peeks over the horizon, I do not know if anything keeps you from sleep! Therefore I must admit that I do not have any advice to give.

While I do not have any words of advice or encouragement, I can offer you a few promises. I hope you keep me to these and in the times that I have inevitably failed you, remind me of this letter! I promise to get to know you. You are so unique, I never would have guessed that you are the person that you have become. Help me to become the father that you need. I promise to listen to you. I know it can be a seemingly insurmountable obstacle to admit to some of the things you think or feel or experience, but I promise never to judge you for who you are. I promise that I will always encourage you to pursue your interests. I know that so many people settle for the expectations that other people have so selfishly placed onto them, so I promise to celebrate your individuality and all the baggage and blessings that come with it. I promise that I will always be proud of you. Whether you be a doctor or a janitor, a ballerina or a clown, a plumber or a president, I promise to be as happy for you as you are for yourself. If you are not happy, I promise to encourage you to find whatever it is that makes you happy (within reason/the confines of the law). I promise to push you to become your best self. I promise to comfort you when you need comfort. I promise to be fair. I promise to keep you safe. I promise not to smother you. I promise to meet your friends and your significant others and I promise to try my hardest to establish good relationships with them. I promise to tell you when someone/something is bad for you and I promise I will not rest until you are free from them/it. I promise to be the best father I can possibly be within the context of my fallible humanity.

To continue, I promise that I will break my promises. Before you panic or grow upset with me, please hear me out. I promise that I will not always be the best father. I promise to make mistakes. I promise to get unreasonably angry with you and that you will in turn get unreasonably angry with me. I promise that we will disagree and that we will disagree often. I promise that I will always love you but to be honest I won’t always like you, and I promise you will feel the same about me. I promise that I will punish you and tell you it is in your best interest but sometimes it will just be an easy way out. I promise that I am going to suck sometimes.

However, I promise to apologize when I am wrong. I promise that I will never hurt you when I am angry. I promise to lie awake at night, tormented by the things I have done that upset you. I promise that I will work without end to improve and to make myself into the father you deserve. I promise to try my hardest to ask you for your opinion on the best way to raise you, as long as you promise to be kind and reasonable. I promise to fight tooth and nail to be the best for you until the day I die.

Now that I’ve made so many promises, may I ask you a few favors? Either way I am going to ask. I ask that you be patient with me. Just as you are learning the ways of the world and how to function in it, I am learning the ways of a different world and how to function as your father. I ask that you understand that to err is human, and I am as human as they come. I ask that you humor me sometimes. I am going to enjoy showing you things that I enjoy and even if you do not care for them, let an old man do what old men do. Stroke my ego, if you will. I ask that you always talk to me about what you love or despise, what makes you smile or laugh. I ask that you allow me to get to know you. Trust me, it will make both of our lives a lot easier and a lot more enjoyable. I ask that you try to get to know me. Believe it or not, there are a lot of things I have yet to tell you about my prior self and perhaps you can learn from him. I am not the easiest man to get to know, so press a little bit but not too much! It may irritate me, not that that is right, it is just the truth. Maybe I should work on that before you get here. I ask that you spend some time with me when you have it. I ask that you ALWAYS be respectful to your mother. Read that last sentence 420 times before you read any further and take it to heart! I ask that you be respectful to me, although I know I will not always deserve it. I ask that you make a point to get to know people and be as understanding as you can. I ask that you read the Bible and get to know Jesus. Read that last sentence 421 times before you read any further and take it to heart! I ask that you find and keep a desire to learn. I ask that you work to be the best person you can be.

I think at this point I have taken up enough of your time. I will leave you now to live your life, perhaps to come tell me that I am such a sap and to mock me for writing this letter. If you are anything like me I know that will be your first thought! I will laugh with you if you choose to do so. But I still hope this letter meant something to you. I hope that it finds you thriving and in good health. I hope that it made sense, I have a tendency to escape sensibility. Before I close, I must express one last thing to you: though I do not know you yet, I love you from the bottom of my heart. I think of you daily and I become overwhelmed and excited by the thought of your arrival. You are incredible and you are loved. I cannot wait to meet you!

Love, Dad

P.S., here is a personal time capsule (if you will) that you can use to make fun of me. Thought you might find it interesting!

Where I live: Vandergrift, PA
We were married: May 27th 2017 (the year I write this!)
Pets: Attila and Dexter (both cats)
Favorite food: Pizza because I am a child
Favorite Song: Powerful Man by Alex G
Favorite Musical Artist: Alex G
Favorite Movie: Tie between The Shining and The Silence of the Lambs
Favorite Book: Frankenstein because I am currently reading it

"Father" blog

Author: Sammy MerhautSammy MerhautJuly 9, 2017Author: Sammy Merhaut1 Comment