"If You Drop Out, I Will Too"
Tommy's side:
(Prelude: This is the story of a boy who was lost, named Tommy. And a girl who was lost as well, named Allison, but everyone called her Son. They were lost together for the brief time around July of 2015 to May of 2016.)
My now good friend started out as just an acquaintance from camp that coincidentally chose to do the same online college program as I did. I don't know if she knows this, but Son was my only friend at that time because Ricky was off the grid at this point. I knew her from camp, but not any deeper than that introductory conversation people have (you know the one: name, school, how'd you hear about *insert place you are*, what's your job/major, etc...) at dinner in the lodge on the first day. I mostly knew her as Nolan's sister and the sassy, funny one. One day I was over their house recording with Nolan and she happened to pass through the basement. She asked me about school and I told her unexcitedly that I was doing Moody Bible Institute online and she excitedly told me she was too. Not excited because she was enrolled in Internet college, but because someone else she knew was also a loser. She thought I was kidding at first and I didn't realize how not probable it was for us to both submit applications to a school of a little less than 1600, both be rejected, and both choose to do online school for a year instead of accepting their denial. While it was stupid of me to not be shocked by that, my focus was on rapping and definitely not on school. I didn't pay much attention to her or that conversation in the first place because I thought it would turn out like every other college conversation I have ever had and will have outside of this one: nowhere. Also, we're only a month apart in age, but I thought she was at least a year older than me. She acted older I thought and she was a head kitchen girl the year before at camp, which is usually reserved for college age or older so I was slowly trying to compute how that made sense in my head while we were having that conversation.
It didn't even cross my mind that we would become friends out of this. Who expects to be friends because of an online class? If someone started telling me a story by saying "My friend from online class said this really funny thing..." I would stop them and be like "are you sure that's a thing people say willingly?" and I would think that they aren't really friends, but they just send memes back and forth or something. I would be especially skeptical if he mentioned it was a girl. I thought Son and I might text like twice about an assignment we didn't understand, but didn't anticipate full blown friendship.
We had an on campus orientation in Chicago coming up and she suggested her Dad (a man whom I had never met before of a daughter that I barely knew. Also keep in mind that it's a fantastic possibility that the dad would be scoping me out to see if it's okay to leave his first born daughter with this guy for a few days) drive us seven hours to Chicago. I don't exactly remember, but I don't even know if I had 100% decided to go to the orientation or not yet. Not to mention with two strangers, for all intents and purposes. I had a good feeling that they wouldn't murder me, but it could have easily been an uncomfortable and/or boringly long ride. Usually my initial reaction to things is "no", but my need to be liked usually overrides that initial wave of doubt and negativity and this situation was no different. My initial reaction was no, but it made too much sense financially and efficiently not to, so I agreed.
At this point I was still slightly scared of Son because she was sassy, remember? Actually, my need to be liked paid off because they thought it would be better if we flew there, which I was all for because now it's like a little adventure we get to go on together. Neither of us had flown alone before and I can get along with basically anyone because I want people to like me, remember? So I was feeling better about this whole thing.
Fast forward to the day we leave for the trip, I met Son at her house to leave from there to the airport and I showed up in my head to toe Chance gear. I had my Social Experiment hat on, my Social Experiment hoodie on, and of course my Chance pants on (for those of you who don't know, I'm THE number 3 Chance fan. Chance is from Chicago, which is where we were going, and he's in a band called the Social Experiment or SoX for short and that's the logo that was on all my Chance merch I was wearing. Son's dad thought it was for the Chicago White Sox which is a valid assumption, but wrong nevertheless). I didn't care if Son or anyone else thought it was weird or lame to wear a matching Chance outfit because I love him and it made me feel closer to him in his own city when I wore it. I also wanted fellow Chance fans to give me a head nod and whatnot whilst walking down the streets of Chicago, which happened on a few occasions.
When we flew there together, it was definitely a bonding experience because we both hadn’t flown without our parents guiding us. Son pretty much did everything and showed us where to go, I was just looking for the nearest McDonald’s haha. When we got to Chicago, all I wanted to do was a self guided Chance tour and just explore Chicago. I didn't want to do whatever the organized “fun” things they were doing as a group of online students. I believe a group of online students are called a “depression” in the wild. “Mommy, look at all those kids not talking to each other and shoulders slouched! I see, Timmy. Don't get too close now or you'll catch their desperation.”
The first day there I tried to hide in my dorm and just listen to Chance because I already hated it, but Son dragged me out to essentially save herself from having to take on these homeschooled Christians (which are doubly sheltered and not understanding of social norms) all by herself haha. The whole thing was weird the whole time. They called the program we were in FYOP. I know, it really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? It stands for First Year Online Program. I'm ashamed that I even remember that acronym. I don't remember for certain, but I like to think that they called us FYOPers because that's the lamest thing of all time.
We had a three block radius constraint and we broke it because I wanted to go to Connie's Pizza. Connie's Pizza is referenced in a Chance song and Chance interviews, so I had to go. There was another rule that you couldn't go anywhere with only two people so we somehow dragged two other people to come with us. I don't know why we were fine breaking the three block rule, but made sure we followed the no only two people guideline. Connie's Pizza had a really cool looking garden next to it that you could see through a big glass window, but the pizza was disappointing. I would go back to give it another chance for Chance though ;)
I had forgotten about this until I was trying to remember what we did for this blog, but we went on a ferry ride around Chicago to see the sights, but I think we missed the boat we were supposed to go on and had to catch the next ferry, which was the last one of the day. That information is important because our tour guide was more loose because he knew this was his last one of the day and may have had a few drinks, which made it more fun. It also meant that we got to be on the boat during sunset and it was beautiful. It was really romantic, it sounds like something out of a cheesy romance novel. "There we were on the blue of the Chicago River, surrounded by big buildings and a light breeze that made your hair dance. The sun just started to soften and the sky began to blush. We turned to each other and we both knew without talking that our lips should meet for the first time. It felt like fireworks flew through our hearts and an everlasting bond was made with our souls." That's the kind of crap that boat ride should have felt like. If my life was a movie and I got to write it, that would have been me and a Freaks and Geeks era Linda Cardellini holding hands in the back of the boat enjoying the skyline. Instead I was with Son and she had a boyfriend haha. Not that I would have expected anything to happen even if she was more single than a dollar bill, but I love the excitement of the possibility with girls and find myself very disinterested whenever they have a boyfriend in general. I'm not proud of that, but it's also true. It just felt like Son and I should have been with our soulmates on that boat ride haha.
We somehow survived that trip and accidentally had some good times. We made dumplings in Chinatown, we went to the beach, and she did my first ever man bun. If you look at it like that, that sounds like a good trip to me. We became so much closer because of that trip, which was really just such a tease looking back on it. “hey I know we rejected you from paying to be on our campus for a year, but you can still pay to take the same classes while living with your parents! I’ll tell ya what though, we’ll let you pay to visit the campus for a few days. How’s that sound, champ?”
That fun was over and now it was time for the actual classes. I was so bad at online classes because I didn't care about it and no one was forcing me to do it and there was no class to go to, so I just wouldn't do it or do it horribly the last minute. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. I knew from the first day it wasn't right for me (I have the same feeling at Liberty, but this is harder to get out of). It feels like being at a party and realizing you don't know anyone and you're not supposed to be there. It feels like you're going against the script of life and the producer added in this scene that they insisted be put in because it would appeal to a broader audience (I always think of things in terms of movies and I hope they don't get lost on you). Son hated it too. She was more reluctant to admit it, but with my encouragement she expressed her true feelings as well.
So we eventually dropped out together because I wanted to drag Son down with me haha not really, I did us all a favor. Isn't that cute, how we went in together and dropped out together? Friends that go to college together and dropout together, stay together. awe (applause break). I actually was embarrassed to have dropped out at first. I didn't even look at it as dropping out because I had to go to community college the next semester so it just felt like "same sh*t, different air freshener" to quote Lil Wayne. But Son kept calling us "dropouts" so I came to embrace it. Plus, around that time I got into Kanye and listened to his first album, The College Dropout, and became proud to be a college dropout.
Anyway, we went to a Bible study once a week, which was largely my only social interaction outside of my home. We were so close during that time. We even did a podcast together, but something happened to the audio and it got all mangled. Then she went to Uganda for three weeks on a mission trip by herself that she raised the funds for. Part of me was happy and proud of her, but a bigger part of me was sad she was leaving. After that Bible study we used to always go to Eat'n Park (I still don't know why we picked to go there every week, but we did). Right before Son left for Uganda, I gave her an Icebergs T-shirt for her to take and we hugged for the first time in the Eat'n Park parking lot. It's a nice moment and milestone in our friendship to look back on now, but it was definitely bittersweet and I didn't know how to feel at that moment.
When she came back it wasn't the same for some reason. It had been so long that I moved on a little bit because if I was dependent on anyone other than myself during that time, it was her. She had definitely grown also from living and serving in a third world country, so I wasn't sure if it was or could be the same. We both went to an end of the school year type party at our small group's church about the end of May and it was the first time we've seen each other since the parking lot scene. It was an outside party and easy to play instead of actually talk. I didn't want to ask about Uganda because it's boring to do what's expected and I figured she was probably tired of talking about it already anyway. I was around her when she was talking about it to someone else and gleaned a little bit from that, but it just felt different with us. So we fell off for a few months. Then the small group started back up right before I left for college and we finally got to talk and we were back to full gear. I was one of the last to leave because we gabbed like gals and caught up on everything and it was awesome. We've since talked about both dropping out again for old times sake and have a "if you drop out, I will too" pact currently in effect.
Son's side:
Hello people who read Tommy’s blog! (hi mom)
I am so pumped to be writing for this right now, I love that Tommy does this as a way of expressing himself and it’s super cool that he allows me to be a part of his own personal expression. I’m not a blogger by any means, one time I had a blog, but it was mostly for moms and old ladies who like to read things that make them reflect on their lives and cry [Editor's note: That has been my secret motivation behind having a blog this whole time].
Tommy and I have known each other for a while, we met at a bible camp that we both worked at and we were sorta just acquaintances, I knew his name and what high school he went to… and that he likes to rap, that was about it...until we experienced some big life changes together!
My brother used to have a recording studio in our basement and Tommy was one of the guys that my brother would record. One day during my senior year of high school Tommy was at my house recording and I stopped in to say hello and asked him what he was going to do after high school… Tommy responded with “well, I applied to Moody bible institute, but they put me in their online program.” What Tommy didn’t know is that I also applied to Moody and was bawling my eyes out a few days before that conversation because I also got put in the online program and my whole reason for wanting to go to Moody was to be with my boyfriend at that time who lived on campus at Moody.
Flabbergasted at this news, I told Tommy about my situation and we decided that we are going to power through this online program as a team. We then made plans to go to their orientation in Chicago together, or I made the plans and pretty much forced Tommy to join me. And the adventure begins.
During the summer Tommy and I got on a plane, flew to Chicago and we anticipated getting to meet some online students and figure out how to do the online program. Tommy had other plans for this trip to Chicago. He wore Chance The Rapper gear almost every day in Chicago, and for our flight there in hopes to bump into Chance and become best friends with him. I’m still judging him for that.
Have you ever been around the kind of Christian people who take life a little too seriously? Like, the ones who don’t really laugh at anything, but suddenly have a sense of humor when a joke is made that has something to do with the Bible, but in no way is blasphemy? Now picture two very cynical, sarcastic, careless Christians in the mix of about 50 “takes life too seriously” Christians, and that’s just about how it went with Tommy and I making friends, we didn’t.
We did a lot of fun things during the orientation, Tommy and I… alone.. without any friends. We went to china town, ate at a pizza place that Chance The Rapper has been to, went to Chick-Fil-A late at night and witnessed a drug deal I think. We went on this boat tour of Chicago that was supposed to be highly educational, but our tour guide had a bit too much to drink, so Tommy and I got to get a kick out of that as we sipped on our Pepsis because we signed a contract with Moody that we wouldn’t consume alcohol or tobacco while being an online student….. But overall that boat tour was oddly romantic… except again, it was me, Tommy, a bunch of homeschooled online students, and our Pepsis.
Well, I suppose we did make some friends, we weren’t allowed to do anything without a group of people (we broke every rule but that one) so we had these two girls join us for all our adventures, but they were weird and probably just had a crush on Tommy and his long beautiful hair. The girls got too deep with me and expressed to me their struggles in life, and I’m just not into that. It takes me like a solid year of friendship before I’m comfortable with you opening up about your depression, eating disorders, and bad break-ups. Christians who take life too seriously turn me off usually. So no, I didn’t make any friends. Oh, except for my roommate for orientation, her and I got real close unfortunately. She was diabetic and has been homeschooled her whole life. For this reason, she didn’t feel comfortable giving herself her insulin shot because her mom normally does it for her. So, being the “not able to say no” person that I am, I let her teach me how to give her the shot, and I DID IT FOR HER. I still can’t believe that happened.
I could tell that Tommy knew this whole online program was not for him straight from the beginning, I was staying hopeful, with the motivation to eventually be on campus with my boyfriend. We got home and eventually started being online students, I cheated my way through, googled everything, but got my work done. Tommy didn’t do anything and did not care.
My boyfriend and I broke up within a month of me being in the online program, I started to hate being a bible student, Tommy always hated it.. so.. we dropped out. We both finished up one semester and then together, as a team, we dropped out of college. I would not have dropped out if I didn’t have such a great friend cheering me on in the process of dropping out of college, and for that, I will always be thankful for my dear friend Tommy.
The following semester was the most freedom I have ever experienced. I was newly single, I worked as a church secretary (surprisingly fun), Tommy and I stayed buddies and went to a bible study together every week and then Eat'n Park afterwards, every single week, and I went the whole way to Africa. Leaving for Africa was hard, I was excited because I was proud of myself and my new independence with being out of school and single. I fundraised the money completely on my own, it was my first “big girl” thing I’ve ever done. I was sad though because going to Africa felt like the end to this fun season I was in…just working and hanging out with my friends, like Tommy.. practically my only friend. Tommy and I hugged for the first, and only time before I left for Africa. We just recently acknowledged the fact that we never hug each other, so that one hug in the Eat'n Park parking lot is rather memorable to me. I left for Africa and then when I came home things just felt different, I really do think my thoughts about going to Africa being the end of that fun and crazy season of life were legit.
That semester brought about the most life-change I have ever experienced at one time.
For that reason, I am extremely thankful for my buddy Tommy and we will forever say to each other “if you drop out, I will too.” There is nothing sweeter than a friendship like that. I don’t think I would be where I am today if I didn’t have Tommy there cheering me on to drop out of college. I probably would have stayed in the online program, eventually moved to Chicago, probably would have tried to get back together with my ex-boyfriend, wouldn’t have ever gone to Africa, and wouldn’t be able to laugh at my crazy life like I am able to today.
Moral of the story, don’t be a “takes life to seriously” Christian. Love and trust the Lord with everything in you, after all He is the one who truly plans out our lives. Proverbs 16:9 says “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” But when those times in life come when you are going crazy and you think you need to drop out of college, find a friend like Tommy to cheer you on. Don’t take everything so seriously, just enjoy the crazy adventure you’re on.
