Iced Cream

(Prelude: I wrote this mostly [I say mostly because I had to fix a few things from back then but it's 97% what I wrote then] back in 2015 while I was enrolled in online college. 8/17/15)

I didn't really think about it, I just went to get ice cream 

I don't remember the ride there

I went to park and there was only enough room for my car, but there were two cement car stoppers so I felt like I was stealing

Anxiety. 

There were two windows where you could order and I purposefully stood behind two people when I knew I could have gone to the other window. Maybe I wanted her to beckon me. She did. 

I tripped over my words without contacting her eyes. I don't know why. I get the same thing every time. It probably looked like I was shy. "Come on, dude, just tell me what you're going to buy" she thinks, I can tell by her sigh. She can tell something's wrong, I'm wasting my time 

The picnic table I eyed up for myself when I got there was occupied by the people in front of me at the line where I first stood. I know they deserved it more than me, but I was still upset. 

I took a selfie of me about to dive into the ice cream cone so people thought I was having fun. The only person I was fooling was myself. I also wanted to subtly show off an old hat I found of my dad's. It looked vintage and hipster. The perfect combination. The ice cream started to melt before I even took the first lick because of that stupid picture. Now my hands were sticky like when you make s'mores and after the first bite the marshmallow squeezes out the sides? You know? Like that 

As I was eating I looked around to see who surrounded me and there were a group of teenagers who l knew I didn't know, but looked familiar maybe because I wanted to know them so I wouldn't be alone. But I wanted to be alone. Alone with everyone around. Maybe I wanted the face to face rejection again to have a high school flashback. As the cars rolled past the ice cream shop I wondered if people I knew saw me sitting alone on the bench of despair and what meandered through their mind "is he waiting for someone?" "Does he choose to be alone?" "Is he coming home from an only child convention?" All valid questions 

I was afraid to look up from the ground only to see someone I looked up to in their car see me the way I really am rather than someone I hope I am and they think I am. On a rare occasion that I did look up I saw a lady put her hand up to the side of her face as if she was blocking the sad boy on the side of the road. I knew she was just scratching her head, but it didn't feel like that. 

I looked down at my phone twice for I was expecting a response to my selfie I made earlier as the sun reflected on my screen. I was disappointed twice. I flipped over my phone so I wouldn't make that mistake again. 

When I finished my afternoon snack I went to my car and remembered my aunt wanted to call me, but I didn't know what to say.  

I looked at my phone a third time, it was not a charm.

"Hey man my bad I missed your calls, I was getting my hair cut. I don't think today's going to work can we hang tomorrow?" 

I couldn't hang tomorrow 

I wonder how life would be different if I swerved the car just a little too much